From Martyr to Role Model: Redefining Fatherhood Through Self-Care

Introduction

Ardent has many newly minted dads walking around, and as an "expert Dad" (joke), I want to share some information, insight, and science. Gone are the days when a dad would go to work, come home, and be greeted with a martini. The US home life has shifted to demanding a dual income to survive for most of its population, so it is time for dads to put down the martini and take care of themselves. Stick with me, and you will see where I am going, plus I will give you six lessons I learned in 6 years of fatherhood.

Modern Fatherhood

I have been a dad for six years, and during that time, I would argue I have achieved more parenting than previous generation dads did in 18 years of parenthood. I appreciate every situation is diverse, and I am taking a broad stroke. Times have changed, and we have a choice: to embrace contemporary times to give our kids the best experience possible or act like it is 1980, which has given us our current atmosphere. Before you start getting irritated because you feel offended, past generations did the best they could with the knowledge they had, but times have changed, and now there is solid research about fatherhood and wellness available if you’re willing to look. This post is not about childrearing techniques or methodology. I am not going to tell you to keep your kids off screens as much as possible or avoid taking them to eat fast food. I want to talk about you, your health, and how that converts into being a better parent, father, and partner.

The Hormonal Makeover

Being a dad is comparable to assembling IKEA furniture without instructions. There is not a single correct method, but trust me, you will know when you’ve messed up. Everyone knows what happens to a mother during childbirth, but there is a less talked about hormonal makeover that transpires in the male as well. It turns out male testosterone levels drop after the birth of a child. Why? It makes us more empathetic, and ready to be what that new sock of meat needs us to be (Abraham et al., 2014; Bakermans-Kranenburg et al., 2019). An interesting future question is how the prevalence of hormone therapy in contemporary men impacts this evolutionary phenomenon. That is a question for another time and for people way smarter than me to address

Dying For Your Kids

Would you die for your kids? I am willing to gamble many of you said yes. The real concern is that many dads forget to live for them. Take some space with that thinking and let it sink in before you move on. Are you willing to live for your children? Skipping workouts and neglecting self-care in the name of family martyrdom is outdated. How can you chase after your kids, and keep them safe, if you're winded walking up a flight of stairs? Staying active is crucial for your well-being and sets a standard for your kids (American Psychological Association, 2023). Do you want to end the American obesity epidemic? It all starts with us, right here, right now.

Trust Your Instincts

You will always feel like you are parenting wrong, especially if you are on social media and catching the bullsh*t perfect window people throw out into the world. Don’t let this phase you; Homo sapiens have been doing this for a while and we have not only survived but thrived. How? By not fretting over every little decision. Trust your intuitions and roll with it. You may not know when you're doing it right, but you will recognize when you are doing it wrong.

Kids Are Sponges

Kids are little sponges; they soak up everything you say and do. Case in point: my kids can swear contextually and comprehend the nuance of when to drop a well-timed expletive. This wasn't on purpose, I promise. How you talk to your partner, your attitude towards health, and your fitness habits—all of this is observed and picked up by your offspring. Lead by example, and hopefully, they will not only follow in your footsteps but improve on the foundation you placed. Studies show that children model their parents' behaviors, so if you stay fit and active, there is a good chance they will too. The influence of parental obesity on a child’s weight is overwhelming. A child with one obese parent has a 50% chance of being obese, and if both parents are obese, there is an 80% chance of their offspring being obese (UCSF Benioff Children's Hospitals, 2023). Taking care of your health is taking care of your child's health.

Healthy Habits Start at the Dinner Table

No matter what that 4% body fat dad influencer says to get you to buy a program to "pack on lean mass," what happens at the dinner table is what will make the difference. If you eat like a garbage disposal, your kids probably will too. Our household focuses on eating dinner together every night—around the table, no phones, no TV. This not only helps to encourage healthy eating habits but fosters interaction, and family connection according to the American Psychological Association (2023). This leads me to the heart of modern culture and the statement, "I would die for my kids."

Leading by Example

If you want your children to be happy, work on your happiness first. If you want your children to be healthy, work on your health first. Lead by example; obesity is influenced more by lifestyle and environment than genetics (Sigmund & Sigmundová, 2020). Most people may say give yourself grace, but sometimes you need to be tough on yourself to instill habits that will help your kids in the future. Don't die for your kids, live for them. The reality is that your great-grandkids may know your name but probably will not know much else, and after that, you will probably be forgotten, but what you do right now, as a dad, could resonate for generations. They may not know why they go for family walks after dinner, but they may be doing it. Embracing a paradigm shift to living for our kids, we could very well change the world

Top Six, 6 Years In:

1. Be Useful in the Early Months

You may be useless in the first few months of a child; all they want is their mom, especially if your partner is breastfeeding. Pick up the slack in other areas. If your partner usually did laundry, you do laundry. If your partner usually cooks meals, you cook meals. When my kids were young and would wake up to nurse, I would go and get them out of their crib, change them, and bring them to my wife who was still in bed. She would then nurse them and put them back to bed. This created an atmosphere of teamwork and partnership.

2. Be Present

Do your best to be present. I am not perfect at this, but making an effort is always better than not. Be present for your partner, be present for your kids. Turn off the screens and sit down for dinner, talk about everyone's day, and learn what it is like to be a kid again.

3. Learn from Mistakes

There is not a right way to be a dad, but there are definitely wrong ways. You're going to make mistakes. Acknowledge them and do better next time. Try and be the partner and set the standard you want your kids to hold all of their future potential life partners to.

4. Follow Through

Kids won't remember the newest toy you bought them or the cool shoes, but they will remember the time you told them you would take them golfing if they did a summer school program to learn how to golf, but you never actually followed through. Oddly specific? Yup. Do what you say you will do!

5. Be the Parent You Want to Be

Don't feel beholden to family tradition or past parenting techniques. Be the parent you wanted. Be the dad you wish you had. You have one shot at this, you're going to mess up at times, but that doesn't mean you stop trying.

6. Take Care of Yourself

Take care of yourself. Continue to move, eat well, and pursue personal hobbies. You will be a better dad for doing so.

Conclusion

Parenting has been one of the most challenging and fulfilling things I have done in my life. Watching my kids experience the world has awakened my ability to experience the world from a new perspective. I love talking about fatherhood, so feel free to shoot me a message if you want to talk about it. I am a novice dad; I think we all are. If we stick together, we can be better fathers, partners, role models, and people. If you need help with your wellness or do not know where to start, follow this link, and let's set up a time to sit down and talk.

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References

Abraham, E., Hendler, T., Shapira-Lichter, I., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Zagoory-Sharon, O., & Feldman, R. (2014). Father's brain is sensitive to childcare experiences. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 111(27), 9792-9797.

American Psychological Association. (2023). The importance of self-care. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/self-care

Bakermans-Kranenburg,M. J., Lotz, A., Alyousefi, van Dijk, K., & van I Jzendoorn, M. H. (2019).Birth of a father: Fathering in the first 1,000 days. Child Development Perspectives, 13(4), 247-253.

Sigmund,E., & Sigmundová, D. (2020). The relationship between obesity and physical activity of children in the spotlight of their parents’ excessive body weight. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(23),8737.

UCSF Benioff Children's Hospitals. (2023). Obesity in children. Retrieved fromhttps://www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org

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